First off, I shall serve up the perfect Martini for you, the staple of any good cocktail barman’s repertoire – stirred, not shaken, obviously, unlike that heathen Bond fellow!

martiniIngredients for a single Martini:
1 shot of dry gin
1 teaspoon of dry vermouth

Stir over ice. Strain into a cocktail glass and squeeze lemon peel over.

The relative "dryness" of a martini is determined by the proportion of vermouth to gin.
A Medium Martini is made with one part vermouth to two parts gin. A Dry Martini is commonly understood to be one part vermouth to four gin. An Extra Dry Martini is one part vermouth to eight parts gin.

To make an Ultra Dry Martini stir one part vermouth over ice and drain it off, then stir four parts gin over the same ice and strain into a cocktail glass.

The original Martini was made with equal measures of vermouth and gin by Martini de Arma de Taggia, barman at the Knickerbocker Hotel, New York City around 1900. The most likely brand of vermouth used, coincidentally, was a brand of Martini & Rossi of Turin, Italy.

~o0o~

A lady wearing a very low-cut dress enters a New York cocktail bar.

"Hey, burman," she said to the barman, "Gimme a martoni."

The barman mixed her a dry martini, which she downed in one gulp. "Gimme another martoni, burman!" she said.

The barman mixed another dry martini for her as she lit a cigarette. She took a little more time with her second drink, though it was not long before her glass was drained and she asked for another "martoni."

"Hey, what are you puttin’ in these martonis, burman? They’re giving me heartboyn!”

And the barman replied; “Look, lady, I ain’t a burman, I’m a barman. And they ain’t martonis, they’re martinis.

And you ain’t got heartboyn, you’ve got your tits in the ashtray.”